by Bryan Ward and Catherine Breese
We’ve seen lots of great stuff on Netflix. We especially love their original programming like House of Cards and Orange is the New Black. However, this story is not about viewing pleasure—this is about viewing pain. So, here is our list of the 10 Most Unwatchable Movies on Netflix.
The criteria to make our list of the unwatchable are as follows: we must have watched at least 10 minutes before turning it off. We must have turned it off before the end. Finally, it must have originally attracted our legitimate interest (in other words, we did not watch it because someone told us it was bad, i.e. Troll, Rubber, Sharknado, etc.).
In no particular order, here are our picks:
Drinking Buddies (2013) 1 Hr. 30 Min.
Romantic Comedy. Not. We watched this movie because of the setting (brewery) and because it stars Ron Livingston (hero of Office Space, one of our favorite movies of all time). We admit to watching almost all of this movie and being thoroughly disappointed throughout, wishing someone would commit a crime or at least say something interesting. Can you write a script without a climax? Yes. Will people be able to watch it? No.
The Expendables 2 (2012) 1 Hr. 43 Min.
Action/Adventure. Everything that was cheesy and cute in the first Expendables was icky in the second. Schwarzenegger and Dolph Lungren look post-mortem. Bruce Willis should really do other things before it’s too late. Full of cliché lines and an endless parade of exploding heads, it parodies itself. How dare they make this awful movie longer than 90 minutes! Sadly unwatchable, even if you like action movies.
Daddy & Them (2001) 1 Hr. 41 Min.
Darkish Comedy. We watched 11 excruciating minutes. Billy Bob Thorton directed this star-packed woofer of a movie that boasts himself, Laura Dern, Diane Ladd, Kelly Preston, Jamie Lee Curtis, Andy Griffith, and Ben Affleck! Seriously. Dubbed a “screwball dysfunctional family movie” by Netflix, it is just plain mean-spirited. Were they actually mocking poor, Southern, alcoholic, dysfunctional-types? Yes. Why? We don’t know. The only word to describe this film: tragic.
High, Wild, and Free (1968) 1 Hr. 44 Min.
Vintage Documentary. Remember the clickety-clack of the 16 mm projector during science class? High, Wild, and Free is a trip back to seventh grade. Gordon Eastman, famous outdoor cinematographer, travels the wilds of British Columbia shooting with a camera and a gun almost everything he sees. We watched 41 minutes. After a brief, pleasant adventure catching trout, the graphic killing of a wide variety of larger critters ensues—a beaver that is shot and cooked whole over the open fire, a bighorn sheep, a fluffy white polar bear, etc. Cringe-worthy.
Inseparable (2011) 1 Hr. 36 Min.
Dramedy. Chinese. We watched 61 minutes. We love Kevin Spacey, but he was not paying attention when his agent said yes to this one. If you’ve watched a foreign language film on Netflix then you know just how annoying their captioning is. They translate everything into text, including the English into English, and this movie has a lot of English. The script is weird and Kevin Spacey is miscast as a figment of someone’s imagination. He is an oak tree of an actor. Not particularly funny and basically unwatchable.
Not Fade Away (2012) 1 Hr. 52 Min.
Drama. A film about a struggling 60s rock band that doesn’t seem to struggle all that much. Despite a great first 12 minutes, it quickly becomes vacuous and self-indulgent. We watched the beginning and the end, and left the room for the hour in the middle. The end? Young girl spinning carelessly in the street. Ugh—kill me now.
Soylent Green (1973) 97 minutes
Dystopian drama. Charleston Heston, one of the worst actors ever, carries this misogynistic dog of a movie like a lead weight. He is horrible. And don’t eat the crackers, they’re people. Oh, spoiler alert.
Sightseers (2012) 88 minutes
Comedy? We love road trip movies and thus were drawn to this film immediately. Unfortunately they left the words “violent murderous rampage” out of the description. We watched for a while, until we couldn’t hold our mouths open any longer. If you like dark, dark comedies, you will get your fill here. We blame Netflix on this one. Unbearable.
Alaska: The Last Frontier (2011) Series, 42 Min.
Discovery Channel Series. The Kilcher family lives off the grid and off the land in America’s north country. One of us enjoyed this show and watched the entire series devotedly, every last episode, over a couple of snowy days this winter. The other one of us thinks this show is the viewing equivalent of the “real housewives of …” except with smelly greasy men outdoors. I leave the identity behind those opinions to your imagination.
If you’re a stickler for details, you’ll notice that there are not 10 movies on this list. We are not the numbers-types. Just ask our bank. We know there are plenty of other horrible movies out there, though. Feel free to leave your unwatchable movie picks as a comment.